I wrote this poem in 2013, reflecting on a dark moment I experienced in 2012… This moment in my life contributed greatly to my internal battles.
A family member ACTUALLY said to me once,
“If you wanna commit suicide, fine. Fuck you. More air for me to breathe.”
Strange as it may seem, I am thankful for this family member’s insensitivity. It showed the woman I prayed to Goddess I would never become, and it fueled my passion for being compassionate! Hearing that was part in holding this poem to myself a long time, and now the loyalty to nonsense is over. I dare to say she wasn’t the only one. At the time, I felt like I was surrounded by people who were hoping I would off myself so that certain truths wouldn’t come out. So that jealousies could be satisfied…so that I cold stop making people’s demons itch. What stopped me? Spiritual intervention. Often times, empaths have this painful rites of passage into self-understanding. This was loooong before I ever dreamed it would become more apparent that I was born to be a healer. A major part of being a spiritual healer includes constantly healing self first, then healing others. The bravest of us do so out in the open, so that all who see, read, feel and experience my healing works can see the ugly parts of self healing. Be inspired to do the same as you enjoy this poem.
I painted this a depressed shade of dark blue for you… listen.
Necktie, Navy Blue
Reflective of my soul
colors sure speak the truth
tied tight round
a delicate neck that once
adorned her mother’s pearls
the ivory stones
no longer felt precious
a mess, just…
lonely, confused
abandoned, emotionally
spiritually abused
grieving the heavy loss of two
a family exile
feet so tired
walking all these miles
scapegoats run their own road
for speaking on being
defiled as a child
a truth I cant stomach
illusion worth more than honor
victims villainized
to protect guilty parties
the party is more fond of
in love with a karmic
putting black eyes on my soul
its too much
losing touch
nothings enough
no strength to cover it up
starving for innerstanding
finding nothing there
searching for a place in life
to escape the lying whispers and strange stares
daddy’s little girl
turned woman against the world
soul bleeding out
cries on intentionally plugged ears
drowning in tears
losing my grip as the planet twirls
ivory stones no longer felt precious
only as pebbles
skipped across muddy puddles
of a brutal uncertainty
I had an idea
a wished to rid the world of me
necktie, blue
a choice of asphyxiation
a dark closet
a concentration
of trying not to breathe
building up the nerve
for a moment
I blacked out
a flash of my father
through a field of trees
hands balled to fists
reflective of his rage
he shook his head
pointed back
his eyes reflective of red flames
fire and rain
tears is his eyes
my vision blanked white
he sent me back
with a spirit reignite
a million reasons
I couldn’t put in words to fight
ripped off the tie
I ran outside
into heat of a cool night
and took in my first breath
free of more lies
I cried for a while
then I felt my light
from within
another first time
…and I smiled.
Suicide survived.
If you or anyone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, use the hot line number 988. If you would like to schedule a spiritual session, I am available for that too…as a spiritual counselor, and someone who can speak from experience. Whatever you do, find your divine purpose for living…so that nothing or no one can EVER make you feel like your life doesn’t matter. You matter more than you will ever know.
Beam Up!
Hear more iiiYansaje T. Muse Poetry on my 6pm CST Radio Show, Rhyme: The Underground Gospel on 222.9 The Mothership Internet Radio!